Dark Mood

I had one of those moods last night. The ones that I've been getting less and less the last year or so, where I'm just hit with an overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness.

The first year or so after the accident, those feelings were a way of life, it was unusual to not feel that way, then gradually in the second year I started having more and more good days, this last year the bad days have become infrequent, mostly confined to February. Yet, last night, I just... I just felt so sad...

We were in the car and Erica put on the Blue Rodeo song "It Hasn't Hit Me", which was one of Daddy's favourites, one of his "Rick" songs, and a special song for my cousin--it's the one that reminds her the most of him. Usually listening to music my dad loved makes me feel melancoly, but it also makes me smile, feeling as if he's right there with me. Not so last night, last night I just felt sad and empty, it just reminded me that he's dead.

Suddenly, as I was listening to the song I was hit with the fact that I'm never going to see father again, never hear his voice or talk to him for hours. It's been over three years since I saw him and yet, sometimes the reality of his death still hits like a ton of bricks. Even now, I'm not ready for him to be gone.

I'm not saying that I'm normally okay with him being dead, I'm not, but I've more or less come to terms with it. I've figured out how to move on with my life and live every day, like I'd know he'd want me to. Most days, I can be happy, I can live my life without focusing on the fact that he's gone. I still feel sad times, but rarely like I did yesterday, which was just this bleak, over-whelming feeling of absolute despair. Not fun.

I guess, part of it is, I thought I had gotten past them--I thought I had gotten to a point where I only get those moods one month a year, during those 18 days that mark the passage between his birthday and the anniversary of his death. Yet, here in the beginning of May, I was hit with one. Maybe it was the song, or the fishing party last weekend, or the fact that in two weeks my parents would have celebrated their 27th wedding anniversary. Or maybe it's just the fact that I haven't had one of these days in a while, maybe I'm just due.

What I want to know is that does it ever go away? Will there be a time when I realize I haven't had one of those moods in a long time, not even in February? From what I've heard, it's doubtful. I'm told that it gets better, and it has been, but that it'll never get away. I'll never stop loving him, so I'll never stop missing him or grieving for him. It makes sense, but I guess part of me wishes that I could put all the pain behind me and close that dark, ugly period of my life. Yet, doing that would mean closing the door on Daddy and I don't want to do that. It's complicated, even in my own head.