So Close, Yet So Far Away

Tonight, I was at Jim and Anne's and we were watching an old video New Year's Eve 89/90 (making the one we have 90/91). It was neat too watch, but also painful.

Seeing my father like that... It was like he was right there, yet he was 16 years in the past. But the voice, the personality, even the appearance to an extent were like I remembered. There was even a shot of him sticking his metal teeth plate out, just liked he used to try and gross me out.

Just watching him be him, it made me miss him all the more. It was like having him back, yet it wasn't. I could see him, I could hear him, but it wasn't the same and in some ways it almost made it worse.

Seeing him just brought everything back, not that it wasn't there. But it was real, like he had just been there in the room. Instead, I lost him two years ago next Tuesday. Two of the hardest, most painful years of my life.

Still, though seeing him is still painful at this point, I also enjoy it, as odd as that might sound. It hurts, but at the same time... To see him again, to hear his voice, that's worth more than just about anything else in the world.

It's odd, this mixture of pleasure and pain. But then, most things in my life are that way now.