Changed
February 21st, 2004, still haunts me, still influences decisions I make and how I react to things. No matter how far I come, I can't escape the consequences of that night or how it changed me forever.
Tonight, I had a hard time getting a hold of my mother and all I could think about was that night. It was replaying in my head in vivid technicolour, every little detail, and causing me to react to not being able to get a hold of Mom with full-out panic, instead of just a little bit of worry. After all, I was haunted by the memory of what happend to Daddy and how it all went down.
Most of the time, I'm okay. I've gotten past a lot of my issues about that night. The nightmares have faded, the constant panic about the people in my life, things like that. Yet, just when I start to think I've really moved past it and healed, I'm reminded that the wounds run deep and might never heal.
A friend called me paranoid and neurotic tonight because of how badly I reacted to the idea of not being able to get ahold of my mom and he might be right. However, once you live something like that, experiecne that kind of sudden loss, you can never forget. I'll never be the same as I was before February 21st, 2004, I'll always worry more than other people, always fear the worst, becasue I've lived it and I now know that night will never leave me. It'll always be there, in the back of mind, ready to come out and haunt me.
Maybe that's natural, maybe, no matter how hard we try or how far we come, we can never really escape the tragedies of our past. We can move on, we can reclaim our lives, but we'll never be the same as we were before and we'll always be affected, always react a little differently because we know how fickle fate can be.
Tonight, I had a hard time getting a hold of my mother and all I could think about was that night. It was replaying in my head in vivid technicolour, every little detail, and causing me to react to not being able to get a hold of Mom with full-out panic, instead of just a little bit of worry. After all, I was haunted by the memory of what happend to Daddy and how it all went down.
Most of the time, I'm okay. I've gotten past a lot of my issues about that night. The nightmares have faded, the constant panic about the people in my life, things like that. Yet, just when I start to think I've really moved past it and healed, I'm reminded that the wounds run deep and might never heal.
A friend called me paranoid and neurotic tonight because of how badly I reacted to the idea of not being able to get ahold of my mom and he might be right. However, once you live something like that, experiecne that kind of sudden loss, you can never forget. I'll never be the same as I was before February 21st, 2004, I'll always worry more than other people, always fear the worst, becasue I've lived it and I now know that night will never leave me. It'll always be there, in the back of mind, ready to come out and haunt me.
Maybe that's natural, maybe, no matter how hard we try or how far we come, we can never really escape the tragedies of our past. We can move on, we can reclaim our lives, but we'll never be the same as we were before and we'll always be affected, always react a little differently because we know how fickle fate can be.
posted by Michelle @ 8:20 PM
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