Feeling Deprived

I was talking to a family member today about an upcoming party and I was just filled with a sense of resentment. I know it probably sounds stupid, but I couldn't help think it was unfair that other people got to throw milestone parties for their parents and I don't.

I'd had my parents 25th anniversary thought out for ages. I'd always intended to throw them a huge party. I'd wanted to do it for their 20th, but it wasn't a good time, so I decided to wait five years. Maybe there's a life lesson there. Maybe you shouldn't wait. Maybe you should just do it.

I never thought I'd never get the chance to throw them a big party, to celebrate with them. But then, I never thought my dad would die at 48, either...

48. Two years away from fifty. Another milestone we never reached together. Another party I never got to throw. If my dad had lived another two years, then we would have had a big party for him and I'd have that memory.

Maybe, that's what bothers me, instead of those happy memories to look back on now, all I have is the memory of what might have been. Not that I don't have lots of happy memories, but I don't have those memories.

I see my cousins getting to throw their parents these milestones parties and I guess, I just wonder why I don't get to do the same. Yes, my mom will turn 50 next year, but she's not as much the party type as my dad was. It won't be the same with her as it would have been with him.

I thought I had come to terms with everything I lost that night, but I guess not. I guess it still bothers me all the things that will never be. Maybe it's something I still need to work on.