So Close, Yet So Far Away

Tonight, I was at Jim and Anne's and we were watching an old video New Year's Eve 89/90 (making the one we have 90/91). It was neat too watch, but also painful.

Seeing my father like that... It was like he was right there, yet he was 16 years in the past. But the voice, the personality, even the appearance to an extent were like I remembered. There was even a shot of him sticking his metal teeth plate out, just liked he used to try and gross me out.

Just watching him be him, it made me miss him all the more. It was like having him back, yet it wasn't. I could see him, I could hear him, but it wasn't the same and in some ways it almost made it worse.

Seeing him just brought everything back, not that it wasn't there. But it was real, like he had just been there in the room. Instead, I lost him two years ago next Tuesday. Two of the hardest, most painful years of my life.

Still, though seeing him is still painful at this point, I also enjoy it, as odd as that might sound. It hurts, but at the same time... To see him again, to hear his voice, that's worth more than just about anything else in the world.

It's odd, this mixture of pleasure and pain. But then, most things in my life are that way now.

50

My father would have turned 50 today.

50, it's hard to even imagine. He would have been half a century old. I used to tease him about how close 50 was and he told me that age was just a number and that he didn't mind being numberically old, as long as he never got emotionally old.

Besides, he figured 50 would be a pretty good excuse for a party, so he intended to have a big one. It would have been a blast, but then most things concerning my father are.

It's hard to sit here on his birthday and know I won't see him, won't talk to him. It's his birthday, but he's not here. He'll never celebrate another year of life. He won't grow any older.

Every year, we did something as a family. Usually we had steak (Daddy's favourite) and all the trimmings and I made a cherry chip cake (agian, his favouite). Every year, it was always cherry chip, nothing else.

My father would spend some time with his father on his birthday, since they shared a birthday. My grandfather turns 96 today. And Daddy would definitly spend time with his friends, but his birthday was usually about the three of us. Lots of important things were.

I want so desperately to be baking that cherry chip cake I'll never bake again. I just want to believe that when I go home this afternoon, he'll be there and we'll celebrate his birthday, but we all know that's not true. He's not there and he never will be again.

But, he would have been 50.

Behind Blue Eyes

Behind Blue Eyes
The Who

No one knows what it´s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it´s like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren´t as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That´s never free

No one knows what it´s like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That´s never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

And if I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it´s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes