It's Starting Again...

It's not quite February yet, but already the nightmares are back. I had hoped they were gone for good, but the closer it gets to Februray, the more frequent they become...

The dreams are never exactly the same, but the basic premise is. They're always about the accident, in some way.

Sometimes, I simply relive that week in my dreams. Other times, I see it happening--the accident. I'm standing there helpless, watching as his car spins and spins before being hit by the other car.

Sometimes, it's not him in the car, but someone else. My mother, one of my friends, another family member. And I go through the same loss, the same terror that I felt that night, but worse--because it's another loss on top of the first one.

Or sometimes, he comes back to life and I get him back, only to lose him all over again. That happnes fairly frequently, I dream that I got him back, but then I lose him again.

Needless to say, I always wake up shaken. Sleep doesn't come easily, because I know what awaits me. And I know that the nightmares will just come more and more often the closer we get to the anniversary.

We have a month to go before then. It's been 23 months since the accident and yet, the nightmares are still frighteningly real and I still want him back. Maybe that's what makes the nightmares so hard, is that he's in most of them, if only briefly.

I see him, just like he was, and it's so real and then I lose him in my dreams and then I wake up to know that he was gone all along and that seeing him, even for a few brief, terrible moments was just an illusion.

It's not getting better, it's not getting easier. The pain is still there, fresh and brutal and raw. And I know that it'll all get worse the closer we get. Yay.